I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
