I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Pants are for mortals
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
