i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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