I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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