I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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