I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
