you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
