I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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