I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
