when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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