dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
