How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
