Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
