I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize