I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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