my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
