my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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