Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wish there were birth control emojis
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
