I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
