I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
