apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
