im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
