stop calling my apartment porn island.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize