fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
