I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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