Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
