I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
