She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
