i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
