Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
