best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the day after is always just damage control
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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