my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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