Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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