This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
