I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
