i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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