Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
