I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
