she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
