Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
