I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
