it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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