I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
