I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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