Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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