if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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