They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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