Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
