none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am available for nakedness
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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