WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
