TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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