dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
mondays should just be called national damage control day
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
