so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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