Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
