I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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