So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
