TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
