im six kinds of drunk right now
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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