I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
