i wish my penis had a tongue
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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