i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
