dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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