So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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