I cut my penus on the lid.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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