so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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