Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
they're like a gay fantastic four
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
