i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
His hands were made for my vagina.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
