woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
