I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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