Where is the hickey?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He passed out mid-signature
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
