look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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